Suicide is painless

So I have been thinking a lot about my life lately. I really think I should write a book or something. I guess this blog is a way for me to put thoughts down that may one day turn into that? I dunno. Anyway, one thing I am thinking about lately is suicide. No, I am not going to kill myself. DON'T WORRY! But here are my thoughts.

My uncle committed suicide in August of 2003. He shot himself. I thought about what a selfish thing for him to do! My mother was tore up about it and I believe still is. I didn't even get to say good bye! Then I thought, you are such a hypocrite! (Yes, I talk to myself). I wanted to kill myself for a number of years. I don't now. And why is that? I believe it's because of my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. I now understand what I mean to them. I now understand that they love me and want me to return to them. I now understand that I matter to THEM. This knowledge I did not have before. I thought I had been forsaken. I thought I had been forgotten. I thought I wasn't worth it.

So who gave me those thoughts? Who told me I was fat, ugly, useless, and unlovable? Satan. Now, as you continue to read, you may get the impression that I am all about religion and I have "found God" and all that stuff you hear. But it is true. Satan remembers me. He remembers me before I came to earth. He remembers that I fought him in the pre mortal life. He remembers and now he wants to destroy me. He doesn't want me to return to my Heavenly Father and Mother. But, I am going to prove him wrong.

So what is it like to think about killing yourself? It's weird. Every bad thing you can think about yourself you do. You think that there is no reason for you to live. You start looking at the people around you and telling yourself that they don't care about you. If your family or friends don't show you they love you for one second you take that as they don't love you at all. The entire world is against you and you don't know why. You start to hate everyone and everything. You start to think that there is really no point to your existence. You start to think that you shouldn't even be alive. You know that saying "Sticks and stones may break your bones but names may never harm me"? That is the biggest BS I have ever heard in my life!!!

I have been in abusive relationships and let me tell you I would rather be hit then told I am dumb etc. Wounds heal, but words stay with you forever! So you just think, there is no reason for me to be on earth anymore. Let's end it all. I thought that. I would think, while driving down the highway, what it would be like to hit the gas and rear end that semi truck in front of me. What would it be like to just close my eyes and never open them again?

Well, more on those thoughts later. And why cut? Blood. More on that later too.

California is EVIL!

So the California Supreme Court has decided to over turn a voter approved ban on homosexual marriage. They now have to vote on it again in November. Why can't they just honor what the PEOPLE want? San Francisco is so sinful. That city needs to burn. And oh how appropriate that right now California is experiencing drought and FIRES! And just this morning a 5.4 mag earthquake!

I have family still in California, but something inside of me thinks....maybe the sinful people deserve it? :) I wish my family would leave that state. Sigh.

WOW! It's been forever!

I didn't realize that time flew by and I haven't posted anything since December. Oh well, you live and go forward. Update on my life. I don't live with my sister anymore. I finally moved out on my own. I am truly thankful that I was blessed with family who would help me during my divorce. I am glad that stupid chapter is over in my life!

So, on to bigger and better things!

I moved into my own place and I have realized that I really don't have a lot of "things" and that I really don't care that I don't have a lot of "things"! It's nice. I don't have a TV or a microwave. I have found that to be TOTALLY AWESOME! I love that I am not watching stupid stuff on tv while my brain cells are burning and my butt is expanding. I have been swimming in the pool in my apartment community, attending the temple, and reading, A LOT! I think I've read 4 books since July 1st when I moved in. I absolutely love it!!! I have time to read my scruiptures at night and I write in my journal in the morning while eating breakfast. I also moved 0.8 miles from work so I don't have to get up so early. It's actually been kind of nice.

I like my litte apartment. I like that I can go somewhere after work and not have any demands on my time or my attention. No, I am not turning into a home body, but there is something to be said for having a place where you can just be.

This Saturday there is a mid-singles BBQ beach trip planned. Windi (my best friend) and I are going to drive to the coast together. We will stop in Tillamook on the way and have some yummy ice cream! I have been craving some Peach! There is this guy in her ward that might join us. His name is John and I think he is pretty cute! Yeah, I said it. What ever! Anyway, I will have to write about our beach trip after we get back. I don't have internet at home either so this is going to be tricky. Until then!